So my BFF Jazzy Jeff called me up after work tonight asking me what was crackelacking. I was just getting myself cozy in the sac when I realized this was not just a "hey how are you what up" kinda call. She was off to her very first "Original Joe's" staff party and in fact was in need of a wee bit of company. I said ABSOLUTELY thank goodness but I have never been so grossly entertained in a long long long time.
As we sat munching on or frychos and pounding back Bud Lights we saw blonde highlighted blonde bimbettes clad in their Urban Behaviour 19.99 dollar floral dresses sluttily holding hands and giving eachother sloppy revolting tongue on tongue action while the hemp necklace-black wooden earring server boys were watching from the other end of the room, who were sitting beside the kitchen guys with the hugest smiles on their faces thinking that these horny hooches were actually trying to get their attention but really knowing deep down inside they would have to get them so wasted and buy roofies from their 40 year old CREEP bar managers (one of them being an old boss of mine, who sells drogues on the side to 13 year old children and was wearing a shirt that said INCOHERENT on it...WHAT??) so they could MAYBE have a 3 minute makeout in a bathroom stall NEVERMIND get lucky enough for an ass cheek grab, when full well knowing that NONE of this would EVER happen but are completely okay with it because they are the only good people in the bar and because they have WORLD OF WARCRAFT waiting for them at home. Princess Grezelda never lets them down. Then out of the other corner of my eye I see the supervisor named Josie who has removed her white lace long sleeve dress and replaced it with a JAGERMEISTER XXL t shirt rolled up under her fake tits and shes just dancing so hot and looking at her tight abs and pursing her lips together like a fucking duck woman. And then she walks up to get her shot that the bartender got her because she is sooo "smokkkannggggg" and her ankle buckles because shes wearing ridicuous hooker heels from SHOE NET and she is on the ground. On her tiny little ass. I'm about to leave when Jocelyn-wearing a Sirens t-shirt, shiny tights and a fake ass Coach purse-comes up to me and says "I can't believe you can pull off dark lipstick, that is so Gaga, are your glasses real?"
I poured my beer on her head, walked out of the Academy and launched my body into on coming traffic. I am blogging from heaven right now and I cant wait to skype Freya when she's home from LA and can't wait to skype Nicole to show her my new boots.